Being at the time of the year where we celebrate family and spend time with the people we care about, I find myself longing to call my best friend, but I know I cannot do it.
Although he says that I’m not to blame, I feel bad for having hurt him and let him down. And all I really want is to hug him and tell him that everything will be all right. It’s just that this time, it will not be right with us together.
This time I was in love with the dream of the two of us together, not in love with him. I wanted things to be as good and strong as they were the first time, but I just wasn’t ready. I pushed away all sensibility and persuaded myself that it was ok and that the feelings for him would come eventually, but they didn’t, and I shouldn’t have let it come this far.
I was far from out of a previous relationship with someone else emotionally, and it was convenient (sorry, but it’s true…) to be loved by someone I knew so well and had loved so deeply before and not have to face the hurt feelings from the broken relationship. Today, I’m sorry that I was so soft and didn’t listen to myself, but I can only hope that the lesson to be learned from it will stay with me.
I can never know if things would have been different, had I done the sensible thing and not gotten involved in more than friendship, but I know that he is a really, really good man and that he deserves true love.
I just hope he will also take time to think about himself and how some people treat him. Because of his (too?) good heart he lets people step on his feelings sometimes, and he just doesn’t deserve that. I know what I’m talking about, since I’ve been exactly the same. But after last summer, where I was hurt like never before, I promised myself that NEVER EVER would I let someone do that to me again, and regardless of how I felt about them. I know that has been good for me and will continue to be so, and I just hope that he will also find that way for himself.
I know we are different, and I know we do not fit together the way things are today, but I have a hope inside of me that we will both evolve and meet again. I sincerely hope that we will get a third chance and meet when we are both ready and at the same place and both fall in love again.
Tonight, just before Christmas, I want you all to feel H-O-P-E!