But right now I cannot find it. For several weeks I’ve been going up and down emotionally, feeling insecure one moment and the next a 100% sure that this was it. And I’m still not sure if this really is “the” thing.
But since I’ve always believed that honesty must come first, and I try to learn from what I’ve experienced on my way and thus treat other people the way I want them to treat me, today I had to do something that was quite hurtful.
I really hoped that this time we would make it – that our love was strong enough to overcome anything we might run into, but right now I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything, but at the same time I don’t feel I can do anything else. I have too much respect for this man to just let things go on the way they were.
Someone very wise told me that if you’re not sure of your feelings it’s because they are not there….. I want so badly to find into the deep feelings again and to give him so much love, but right now I cannot look into his eyes and return what I see there. I know how much he loves me, and it hurts me very much not to be able to give it back to him. I do love him, and I do want it to be him and me, but right now I do not have what it takes.
Where did it all go? Was it the broken trust that never allowed the true feelings to come back? Or were we never meant to be?
I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing, but I know for sure that I couldn’t do it any differently. I have to give him up to make him find the happiness that he deserves, since I cannot give it to him. And at the end of the day, I have to be able to look into the mirror and know that I did the right thing – what I hope other people would do to me, if they were in the same situation.
The easy thing is to do nothing and just let things happen, but out of respect for the person you love, you should have the courage to take the tough decisions. I might give up the one good thing I’ve had in my life for a long period – besides my beautiful daughter, i.e. – but I cannot see that I have any other choice.
The feelings I have for him tell me, that I should take a step back and let him be free from me – be able to go out and find someone that will love him back the way he deserves.
And on my side I know that I will pop up again soon. Hurting inside, yes, but surviving as always. And around me I will have my friends and family to push me forward. In time, I hope he will be my friend too, but if he cannot be that I will hope for him that he finds the deep love and happiness we once shared, although it was for a very short while. Don’t look to the past, but straighten your back and look ahead – before you know it, you will feel happy and joyful again and we will be a memory from your past.
Tonight my heart is filled with sorrow and at the same time hope of love. It is not possible to say what tomorrow will bring, but I hope you will all find a piece of hope in your life, hope that you are on the right track and that no matter where you are, tomorrow will seem a little brighter than today.
I give you L-O-V-E
Hugs & kisses