My life has been a rollercoaster-ride of ups and downs, and I praise myself by saying that I’ve learned my lessons on the way. But it isn’t always possible to avoid ending up in similar situations, or not to find myself in an emotional similar situation as I cannot control my surrounding and the way it influences me. I can try to minimize the damages, so to speak, and I can withdraw from situations that I know will bring me problems or hurt me.
And here I am, experiencing a hurtfulness that I haven’t felt since my school years. A feeling of not being good enough, not being accepted and of standing all alone with other people pointing and laughing at me. The strength with which that hit me and the way it put me back more than 30 years shocked me. I thought I was over that, that I had moved on and never would feel so alone and hurt again. And to me the first and natural reaction was to withdraw. Not that I withdrew then, but today I know how to take care of myself and thus not let it ruin me again. But that the reaction came so strong and so similar to how it felt so many years ago made me feel as if I haven’t come any further. That I’m still the insecure, scared person that will go through too much to be accepted by others….!
The biggest surprise, however, was that it came from the person I least expected to make me feel so. Someone who I’ve shown sides of me that not many know, and the one I believed would never hurt me. In my mind I know that it wasn’t intentionally and that this person would do anything to have it undone, but in my heart I have doubts. Will this happen again? Will the thoughtlessness end up hurting me again – and am I willing to take that risk?? And can I accept that stupidity will sometimes overrule the respect?
Right now I’m searching for answers and trying to remove the sad feeling. But I know for sure, that no matter what, my main concern is to have a daily life with my darling daughter and make sure that we are doing well.
And at the end of the day, I still feel blessed and lucky as I have people around me who will always be there for me no matter what happens. You guys take care of me and give me strength and support by being in my life. For that alone I feel a joy and gratefulness that I will never be able to put into words. I DO feel grateful and happy that you have chosen to be part of my life. I will do my utmost never to let you down! Mutual respect is vital to any kind of relationship and I hope you know that I respect you more than anything.
So my final words today will be more or less the same as they always are – love and respect the people you have around you. Make sure you tell them what they mean to you, and to show how you feel. And thus I send you both
L-O-V-E and R-E-S-P-E-C-T